76% of LGBTQIA+ Hinge daters wish they had seen more examples of healthy queer and trans relationships in the media – here’s the healthy representation we’ve been looking for.
IN PARTNERSHIP WITH HINGE
Hinge found that 80% of their LGBTQIA+ users had difficulty finding resources to help them date – which is where Not-so-Frequently Asked Questions (NFAQ) comes in.
First launched in August 2022, NFAQ amplifies inspiring voices that share their perspectives on how to navigate relationships, self-discovery, gender, and sexuality – all brought to life across social platforms, brand partnerships and IRL activations. The purpose? To curate a growing collection of conversations and questions which aren’t talked about enough.
With 76% of LGBTQIA+ Hinge daters wishing they had seen more examples of healthy LGBTQIA+ relationships in the media growing up, the latest NFAQ campaign is about the power of positive representation. Giving daters examples of positive and nuanced lived experiences of LGBTQIA+ dating and intimacy beyond heteronormativity and stereotypes, the campaign puts LGBTQIA+ couples front and centre.
Hinge has invited real LGBTQIA+ couples to share their takes on milestones both small and big that determine the trajectory of dating, relationships and falling in love. Inviting us into their intimate environments, these couples (including writer Roxanne Gay and designer Debbie Milman, musician Tom Rasmussen and writer Hugh ‘Shugs’ Wyld, and illustrator Ashley Lukachevsky and chef Angel Dimayuga) offer their take on questions Hinge heard LGBTQIA+ daters craved opinions from couples on the most – from navigating open relationships, to experiencing new firsts in a long-term commitment, to creating space for fluid gender expression.
So, what are you waiting for? It’s time to dive into these vulnerable expressions of queer relationships and the depths that they can span – all with a little help from Tom and Shugs.
TOM AND SHUGS
Tom Rasmussen (they/them) is a musician and patron of Positive East, East London’s biggest HIV charity, and Hugh ‘Shugs’ Wyld (he/him) is a writer. They married in summer 2022 and have been a couple for nearly a decade, transitioning to non-monogamy after six years together. They are parents to Celine Dion, an English bull terrier.
How did changing pronouns and gender identity labels change your relationship?
Tom: I changed my pronouns to they/them and told Shugs I was non-binary six years ago. I was nervous about telling Shugs, especially as there weren’t many non-binary people in our lives or friendship circle back then. I remember him saying; “I love you and I support you.” But he also asked; “What does that make me, in terms of my sexuality?” From my perspective, as the person who changed the pronoun, I hadn’t thought that other people in my life, including Shugs, would have opinions and feelings on it. I was maybe a little pissed off lol.
In hindsight, I think it’s natural for the other person to have questions. But there’s probably also a line where they do have to support you. And if that support is conditional then they’re not being supportive enough.
We discussed it for a minute and questions did come up. Then you go to bed together and you wake up and you’re just the same people. In the end, very little changed between us, but what did change was that I felt like I needed to get to know more trans and nonbinary people. That was something Shugs was supportive obviously, and I think that’s a great way to support your partner – by understanding that their needs might shift.
Shugs: I think for the person that’s receiving that information, like me, it’s important and may sound obvious, but to really listen and not immediately start picking it apart. Give that person the space to talk, take it on board, and don’t feel like you have to have an answer or response in the moment. Then do your work on the side as well. Don’t expect that person to teach you about gender identity if you don’t know anything about it. You can also do that work yourself.
How do you keep your relationship feeling fresh and exciting as it evolves?
Shugs: We’re nearly ten years into our relationship, and we still find it very important to go on dates with one another. Making sure that, because life will get in the way, we are really clear about carving out fun time for each other. Sometimes we genuinely have to get our calendars out, because Tom is a social butterfly and there’s always stuff going on. It can be easy to count group social time as time together, but it is not the same as quality time together. A dinner party with friends is great and fun but it’s not a one-on-one date. So I’d say book in time alone. We also both really value our early morning walk with Celine, our dog. We have that every morning and that’s an hour and a half of just us two talking – about anything and everything.
Tom: I think the answer to keeping things fresh and exciting past those initial stages is much more mundane than “go on a roller coaster or go on a wild, sexy away weekend!” I think your love and your relationship can only continue to evolve if you are attentive with one another. We are both quite busy people, and we both have quite different schedules. Spending time apart allows you to miss one another and that’s great. But I also do think the practice of actually doing something a bit more routine, where you really focus your attention on one another is the key. I don’t mean talking about the relationship, although that can be lovely. I mean talking about what’s on that person’s mind, like; “is it normal to drink 5 liters of water a day?”, what they are interested in, big or small, what you’re doing that week, the way the world and your world is changing around you. Your values. My practical advice is to value those moments, and I think that carving out intentional time to focus your attention on one another keeps the relationship exciting. Also, if you need more to talk about, get a dog, an allotment, or a baby.
As a gay man / queer person, sometimes I feel pressure to be in a non-monogamous relationship. What if that’s not what I want?
Tom: I understand feeling the pressure, and I think if that’s not what you want, you don’t have to do it! We were monogamous for six years and I loved it and I think it was a crucial thing for us to build trust. Then we decided to open up the relationship. Whatever you decide, I do think if you’re with someone and they’re interested in non-monogamy and you are not, it is better to have that discussion than avoid it, because that could cause resentment.
Shugs: Something I would also say is that, there are different ways to do non-monogamy, and it can be helpful to research what they are in case there is a version that might work better for you. Many people have a preconceived notion that in an open relationship you are constantly sleeping with other people or you’re always on dates, and there can be a bit of a rush for that at the start. But something we said to one another when we decided to go open was that at any point we can put it on ice. We also tried to consciously open our relationship at a moment when we did not feel we had an “issue” to solve. We waited two years because we wanted to feel secure and like it would add something rather than take something away.
Got a Not-So-Frequently-Asked question of your own? Read more takes on LGBTQIA+ dating questions not talked about enough at hinge.nfaq.co
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